My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.