My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
🎵 I can’t wait to
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”