My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?