My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
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*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
🤣
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Spring of Deception
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience