My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
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Stop
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
This classic never gets old . . .
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.