My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Asking the real questions!
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died