Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

😭😭😭😭

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that