My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit