My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
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Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.