[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
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Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Shockingly Pitbull’s first name isn’t Feat.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts