My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
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I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
rapatouille
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.