Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro