My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
You Might Also Like
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Alexa turn off the planet
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…