My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”