Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.