Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

how much does a mortician urn in a year

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played