My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
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That’s easy for you to say
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Which wines pair best with gloating?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.