Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!