Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.