Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.