Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.