Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.