Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.