Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

I’ve been learning to cook.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.