Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.