My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
You Might Also Like
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
I didn’t know they can drive…
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.