Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

me: my friends:

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.