My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
This kinda thing happens to me often
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner