My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
