Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

thinking about this

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

broke down and did it

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.