My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther