My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
the rocks need my help
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.