My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me trying to “trust the process”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Friday night party time 🥳
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc