My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
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Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous