Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

I was bored.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

I put the h in mysterious.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.