My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
back to work
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.