My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Batman v Dracula
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…