My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
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A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
The cashier just checked me out.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Perfect
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff