My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
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Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car