My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
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Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!