my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
You Might Also Like
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Hit me in the face with a bird
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?