Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?