Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

never stops being funny

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.