My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
You Might Also Like
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?