My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
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Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
When your diet is finally over.
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”