My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Trumpy Cat
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you