My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year