@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

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@thesulk

Just picked up an unknown call with a “Hello?” An old woman said “Joan?” So, I can cross “mistaken for a Joan” off the bucket list.

@chuuew

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

@thatUPSdude

The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, “My place isn’t that bad, I can go another week”

@thatcarlygirl

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

@GrantTanaka

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

@SlimSinclair

*enters rap battle but only gives compliments

Killing with kindness

Got MCs droppin like flies/
I like your shirt, it brings out your eyes

@mstluvstrinkets

Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.

@fro_vo

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*