My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
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Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.