My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
The most accurate map ever devised.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
