My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
They grow up so quick
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
tell em, edith-anne
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
