My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
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We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.