My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot