My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
next question.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it