My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.