My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
True freaking story!
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.