My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.