My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
You Might Also Like
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.