My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
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Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
when you don’t want to be too vague
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My humor is broken
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
watergate? u mean a dam??
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids