Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
every. time.