my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
my favorite gender
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.