Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb