my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
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I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies