My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
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every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
<—- homeless romantic
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.