My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Every haunted house movie:
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.