Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı