Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

This January has 47 Mondays

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob