My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
yes, those are my real potatoes.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*