My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
War & Peace
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!