My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
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Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
what the
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
termite twitter scares me
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!