My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Phonetics
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I can’t deal with men any longer
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall