My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
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The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
HERE’S MARKY
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.