My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
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If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together