Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.