Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.