Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.