My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Always this one for me forever
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.