My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.
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I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
They’re really bad with fonts.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.