My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.
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You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Do one person every day that scares you.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
figuring out my emotional availability:
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I bet
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
