My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
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[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I think this cat is broken
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Only you can prevent podcasts
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops