My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
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*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
welcome back
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure